Manipulation is Abuse — and there are patterns to recognise it

Our 2017 guide gets a remake as we expand the content to reflect conversations in our communities

“But stalking can also be tech abuse!”

“And lying or distorting the act of abuse can also be a form of gaslighting!”

Since 2017 when we first launched the Manipulation is Abuse guide, it has become one of our most visited resources. We created it for those who don’t see what’s happening to them as domestic abuse because it may not include physical violence or that sexual coercion is normalised in that society. We poured our own experiences from all of our cultures into it. And now we’ve released an expanded and updated version of the guide that captures a lot more scenarios!

Each Sunday, the Chayn team gets together for a two-hour long collaborative working session with our volunteers, many of whom are survivors. While writing the Manipulation is Abuse guide, which launched on 2 Dec 2022, there was a moment when we all paused in the middle of a working session and thought about the intersections of different forms of abusive and controlling behaviours.

Volunteers, who join us for 3-month long cycles, are integral to the very fabric of Chayn. For a long time, Chayn was completely volunteer-led and run, and it’s only recently that we’ve shifted to the hybrid model of paid staff and volunteers. Staying true to our roots, we continue to keep the voice of our volunteers reflected throughout each step of the decision-making process, ensuring that our services and support resources remain survivor-centred.

At this working session, we’d divided our content into several themes and had spent some time teasing out their intricacies. Suddenly, we were struck by how often different forms of abuse go hand in hand or don’t necessarily neatly fit one category. Our attention was drawn to the gap between the messiness of a real lived experience versus the neatness of a written guide. We decided we wouldn’t shy away from writing about how one form of abusive behaviour could overlap with another so that readers could always look up the section that felt most relevant to them and their experiences.

What is the Manipulation is Abuse guide?

This guide is for anyone who thinks that something might be wrong in their relationship, wants to find support getting out of it, or just wants to understand more about manipulative people. It includes:

• A quiz to help the reader identify if someone they know is manipulating them;
• Definitions of what a manipulative relationship looks like compared to a healthy relationship;
• A deep dive into the different tactics of manipulation such as isolation, gaslighting, normalisation, control of clothing and much more.

A very simple version of this guide was first written in 2017. We recently felt the need to update it to include many more examples of coercive control. Our team has grown to be increasingly global and diverse, and on reviewing the guide we felt that there was a need to think more about how the forms that manipulative and controlling behaviours take can vary across cultures, and to make sure that the experiences of survivors across the world were reflected in the guide.

How did we update this guide?

We started writing this new version of the guide back in April 2022. As a first step, we took all the content of the original guide and worked on tweaking it. Then we added new categories and got rid of old ones that were no longer needed. Each Sunday, we would spend our time focused on writing out different sections.

Later, we stepped things up by assigning each attendee sections to write and to review. For each section, we thought about what that form of abuse may sound and look like, to help readers easily identify different forms of abuse.

After a final edit, the guide was reviewed by Chayn’s trauma-informed therapists, to make sure that the language and tone were as supportive and helpful as possible for survivors.

After resolving these edits, the guide was ready to be uploaded. We trained four volunteers across two sessions to use Webflow, enabling them to share the work of uploading the guide. The only thing left after that was uploading the final animated illustrations.

How did we create the illustrations?

The guide is full of powerful illustrations by Sally Pring.

We first got to know Sally through our volunteers back in 2017. Sally created a series of illustrations for us and Hera hacked these to create animated versions.

This time, the ideas for the illustrations were pulled together by the team on a Miro board. We then put these together into a shopping list of ideas for Sally, divided into high, mid and low priority. Sally began working on the top 16 priority illustrations and delivered first, second and third drafts of the static images for feedback, before continuing work on the animations. We provided Sally with a colour palette that was aligned with our Chayn tones.

Both times, Sally has supported us on a pro-bono basis and we couldn’t be more grateful. The generosity of people like her keeps us motivated in the work we do.

The final result

What we’ve put together is a guide with 35 examples of coercive control and manipulation. We’ve tried to be as comprehensive as possible in providing examples of emotionally abusive tactics, such as isolation, gaslighting, normalisation and much more.

The guide contains examples of phrases that the abuser might use as well as actions they might take, alongside powerful illustrations. It also contains explanations of how manipulative tactics may impact us and validates our experiences as survivors.

We also use the guide to remind survivors like us that what we have experienced is not our fault, and that the only person responsible for abuse is the abuser.

Explore the guide here.